Normally, people – ranging from experts to your aunt Julia –would strongly advise you against trying to get back together with an ex. It is believed that the chances of getting back together with an ex are dramatically low and that you might end up hurting yourself by even making the effort.
However, reuniting with your ex is not all that hard, provided you follow a set strategy and do not go all-in at once. And, of course, talking is an essential part of that plan.
So, if you are wondering, ‘How to talk to your ex about getting back together’, this article just might just be the most important thing you read today.
Should You Get Back with Your Ex?
Consider the Following Factors:
1. The reason it did not work out the first time around
It can be tough to focus on what went wrong with your relationship, but it is important to highlight the problems if you plan to get back with your ex. Not identifying these issues will likely mean that you and your ex will repeat them, and your relationship will die the same fateful death.
2. Your growth since the breakup
Regardless of who caused the breakup, you need to consider if and how you have grown since then.
This is why many relationship experts believe that you should give yourself a bit of time after a breakup – to allow yourself to grow and improve as a person.
If you believe you have grown, you will be returning to the relationship as a better person. If you feel that you have been stagnant, it might be it is a good idea to give yourself a bit more time.
3. Your ex’s growth since the breakup
Almost as important as your own growth is that of your partner’s. If you believe that you have grown since separating, you would expect the same of them.
If you believe that they have not grown, you might want to reconsider your decision of going back to them at this point in time. Ask yourself about the changes you would like to see in your ex before you decide to give your relationship another shot.
4. The reason you want to get back together
If you want to get back together, you should do so because you think that the two of you are still in love with each other and have the potential for a happy and healthy relationship.
You should not be rushing back to your ex simply because you think you will never find someone else or your friends or family members are pressuring you. This decision should be yours and yours alone and should be made without any constraints or fears.
5. What would be different this time?
This is a question that you cannot answer by yourself – you will have to meet and talk to your ex. Having a conversation with them will make you see if anything has changed and if you can expect something better the second time.
When you see your ex, watch out for any signs of improvement or growth. If you fail to see any progress, you should ask yourself if it is really a good idea to give this relationship a second chance.
6. Will the two of you accept each other?
Of course, no one can be perfect, but you need to be sure that you are willing to accept your ex’s flaws and faults.
Yes, there are things that you can work on and improve, but, at the same time, there are those little things that will be annoying for you in the long run.
There are areas where compromises will be required, so you should be clear about the aspects you are willing to compromise on.
Remember that you cannot change a person against their will. So, if there are any unacceptable traits in your ex, you will not be able to force them to get rid of those.
7. Can you forgive?
Getting back with your ex will mean that you will have to let go of past hurtful instances and events. You cannot go into the relationship with feelings of resentment.
Reflect carefully and ask yourself if you are willing to forgive and forget. If not, it might be unwise to give the relationship a second chance.
How to Talk To Your Ex About Getting Back Together?
If you considered the above factors and think that it is worth taking a second plunge, here is how you can go about it:
Step 1 – Accept the breakup
It is important to accept that the two of you are over for the time being.
Do not try to resist or deny this. Instead, use the breakup as an opportunity to give yourself some headspace and attain a bit of perspective.
If you miss them, do not try to stifle this feeling but also do not act on it impulsively. Allow them the chance to miss you as well and realize that the breaking up was not such a good idea after all.
Step 2 – Wait for at least a week before sending a casual text
We mention a week because that is approximately the amount of time both of you will need to calm yourselves down, especially if the relationship ended on an ugly note.
While one week is ideal for most people, the perfect amount of time will really depend on the situation. There is no set time before you can initiate communication with your ex.
Once you have gotten over the heat of the breakup and think that you should get back with your ex, pick up your phone and send them a casual text (DO NOT CALL). See where the communication leads and if there is still a spark.
Step 3 – Get down to more intimate conversations
There was a time when you and your ex spent entire days and nights in bed – it is now time to try and reignite those feelings. This familiarity will prove to be the roadmap to restarting the relationship.
You might have been told time and time again that physical intimacy is not all that matters in a relationship. However, it plays such a key role – it allows us to express what we cannot put into words and enables us to show our attraction, desire, and love.
So, once the two of you find your feet with each other, it might not be a bad idea to move onto phone-calls or even video chats. Allow this phase to linger for a week or two before taking the next step.
Step 4 – Suggest grabbing dinner
After that one- or two-week phase has lapsed, it is now time to step things up another notch, and this is a good time to suggest a rendezvous.
Pull out the gentleman (or gentlewoman) card you have been hiding in your pocket and take them out for a dinner or coffee ‘date’.
Remember that you are not trying to fool the other person, but simply trying to present yourself as your best version – as a way to make your ex realize what they have been missing all this while.
Needless to say, you will have to be on your best behavior. The better you behave, the more your chances improve of getting back with your ex.
Step 5 – Invite them home
Now, this is where you need to play things out carefully. If they do accept your invitation to come to your home, do NOT go out of your way to get physically intimate – let things take their natural course.
Again, a reminder that this is all part of presenting yourself in the best light.
Even if the two of you do get physically intimate, do not see this as a way to get back with them, but rather as a further evolution of your relationship.
As for getting back together, it should only happen after careful consideration of the differences between ‘then’ and ‘now’, and if it is worthwhile to give them another chance.
Step 6 – Cautiously get back together
Is there a chance that it will end badly again? Of course, there is, and you know that as well as we do. However, as they say, it is better to have tried and failed than to have not tried at all.
It is important to stay positive and hope that your rekindled relationship can lead you where you want to go. Remember that, should the two of you decide to get back together, you will have to negotiate some real terms. Keep in mind that the both of you had issues that broke you up in the first place.
Set measurable goals so that you can track your progress as a couple and see if things are improving this time around. If you do not set such goals, you will have no idea about any improvements and you will just go back to feeling sad, angry, and frustrated.